Flies and Flying iPods

What goes buzz, slap, bang-clang-clang-lol? Up Friday, nobody could answer that question. However, I solved the puzzle for the universe. Or at least, the people sitting in the back of chapel.

To catch up some of my audience, I'm at a Christian college. In our college, we have about an hour-long session dedicated to worship and Bible a lesson. I've found myself in the back of the room this semester. I get to have a lot of awesome people sitting around me, and the guests on campus sit directly in the row behind me. So when they come to chapel, I can turn around and help them feel welcome with handshakes, fist-bumps, and the like.

Another thing about chapel is that, in the warmer months, the building gets full of flies. In the winter, the flies mostly die out. As the days grow cold, they begin to fly so slow you could catch one in your hand, bacterial grossness aside. Eventually they wear themselves out flying and suddenly fall to the ground dead. However, somehow, flies will come back with spring. I have no idea how they do it, but they do. They should all die, but apparently there's some evil genius on campus ordering flies every March. Because it's right around that time when the flies start dive-bombing people in chapel again, serving as tiny distractions.

Also, it wasn't just any day. It was Friday. Fresh Friday. I had just bought a cool bow tie, so I knew I had to partake.

I wear a bow tie now. Bow ties are cool.

End explanations, cue story.

I was innocently sitting in my seat, giving no reason to be attacked by flies. In the row in front of me were several cool people, including a noble friend named Dan. My row had a lot of familiar friends such as TC, Jonny, Elly, Christina, Ally. Everyone else was pretty much hidden by those friends; if I wanted to see them I would have to do that deal where you bend way backwards and look really awkward. Today, I couldn't afford to do that. Not with an entire row of visiting high school students behind me.

But this Friday, one fly fancied to flaunt his fat flesh in my face. However much flesh can be found on a fly. Whatever milligram amount that is, though, this fly had double it. He was massive, and I kid you not. This fly probably ate wasps for breakfast. Apparently, his wasp diet began to effect his aggressiveness as well. The first thing this fly does is try to climb inside my ear. What's my response to this? "Sure, come in, little guy. make yourself at home. I'll help you unload the U-Haul when it comes. And then you can even borrow my grill for the moving-in party next week." No! I don't want any trash-on-wings making home in my ear, so I shooed it away. Apparently, it was quite humorous, because all the high school visitors began chuckling. Perhaps they hadn't ever seen anyone jerk their head away from a fly before.

Either way, I'm sure they thoroughly enjoyed it when the fly later came back around and started buzzing next to my mouth. Of course, I really didn't want it in front of my face, so I tried to scare it off by show of aggression. After the fly saw my gnashing teeth, he decided it was a wonderful idea to explore this cave full of white pointy objects. Fortunately, he never went in, but he managed to make me create a spitting sound as I blew him away.

Pretty sure these things are intent on destroying the human race.

What truly stood out in this clash between man and fly was the buzz, slap, bang-clang-clang-lol. The buzz came when the fly again flew by me and perched on my wrist. Specifically, my right wrist connected to my right hand holding an iPod I was reading from. When I saw this monster fly sitting there so peacefully, I thought "This is it. Let's end this menace. For all that value a time of no flies. For Narnia!" I raised my left hand, sneaked it over to my wrist, and attempted to smack the fly. That's where the slap came in.

Unfortunately, the fly escaped, which he shouldn't have. I'm pretty sure all flies have teleporters they use to get away from hands. But my wrist's getting slapped caused my hand to jerk as well, launching the iPod up into the air. It flew over the seat in front of me and fell on the floor. Hence the bang-clang-clang noise. The lol was shortly afterward when everyone in the immediate vicinity started chuckling again. To be fair, they couldn't see the whole thing. All they saw was an iPod flying up and landing with a crash.

To this day, my iPod still works. Thank you, silicon casing. The fly is still roaming the chapel building most likely, or he died of old age. Two days is quite a long time to live when all you eat is waste. I'm sure there are still people out there wondering exactly what happened.

Hey look, a blog article explaining exactly what happened!