The Miserable Ones

So, the other night I saw Les Miserables. Really good movie; I believe it was definitely worth my money. Very well done, with a capturing story and wonderful characters. It was quite different from most other musicals I've seen; the message of their words are clearly communicated through their actions, voice, and facial expressions. I can understand what they're saying because of this (which is why I sometimes struggle to understand Shakespeare or old musicals).
However, there was one major problem I stumbled across. It was set in France (not my problem) and all the characters had complex French names (my problem). I could barely distinguish one name from another, so I was simply going by faces. Granted, this isn't a major problem, but it inspired a humorous story which I have recorded here.
This is essentially the story of Les Mis with new names for characters. Most of these names (if not all of them) are drawn from other roles the actors have had. By doing this, I am meaning no disgrace to Les Mis or any of its characters or fans or France or anything. It's an attempt at humor, not an insult.
Spoiler alert, to those of you who haven't seen the movie yet and want to.

One of the best movies ever...but I couldn't catch something very key.

In 1815, we find a bunch of prisoners hauling a ship into port under the watchful eye of Maximus Decimus Meridius; Commander of the Armies of the North; general of the Felix Legions; loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius; father to a murdered son; husband to a murdered wife; and he will have his vengeance in this life or the next (from Gladiator).
Yes, I did look that up. We're just gonna call this guy Maximus, for brevity's sake.
Anyway, Maximus grants parole to one of his prisoners, Wolverine (from X-Men). He had just gone through nineteen years of prison for stealing some bread...yeah, French government doesn't make too much sense, but the government never liked Wolverine or any of his kind in the first place. Wolverine leaves, only to find that he'll never be able to live a normal life because of his freakish X-Men claws and regenerative abilities. So he flees to a church and steals some silver decorations, only to be caught and brought back to the church. Fortunately for him, the church decides to pretend that they gave him the silver. Touched by this movement of generosity, Wolverine decides he's going to break his parole and live under a new name...Van Helsing (from Van Helsing).

Just be glad I wasn't involved in advertising for this movie.

The next eight years for Van Helsing are pretty awesome. He spends some time hunting and killing monsters, using the silver he got from the church and melting it down to kill werewolves and vampires and other fun stuff like that—in fact, he made a decent-sized silver bullet factory. One of his workers in this factory, Red Riding Hood, had been discovered to be sending her money to her daughter (who also happens to be known by the same name, except the daughter is Little Red Riding Hood [from Red Riding Hood] and the mom is Big Red Riding Hood [from Hoodwinked]). Big Red Riding Hood is fired for this and, with no source of income, turns to the only option available for her...
She joins the circus.
Unfortunately, during one of her performances, she catches fire while jumping through a fiery hoop and is severely burned. Maximus, who happened to be watching the performance, demands she be imprisoned for failing her jump and also setting fire to the circus clowns, especially the ones in cheap purple suits with green hair. Van Helsing happened to be there as well, and he negates Maximus' demand by hospitalizing Big Red Riding Hood and promising to take care of Little Red Riding Hood.
Shortly after this, Maximus reports to Van Helsing and confesses that, at one point, he thought that Van Helsing was the dangerous escaped prisoner Wolverine, but that the government had found the real Wolverine and was about to imprison him again. Van Helsing decides to turn himself in as Wolverine, but asks for some more free time so he can properly take care of the Red Riding Hoods. He goes to the hospital to speak to Big Red Riding Hood before she dies. While he is still in the hospital, he is found by Maximus who demands Wolverine come with him. Wolverine refuses, and thus begins an epic gladius vs. adamantium claw battle between the two with a rather unepic ending when Wolverine jumps out a second story window into the water.
We now jump to Little Red Riding Hood sweeping the floor...pretty sure she's supposed to be mopping, but whatever. Big Red Riding Hood had left her in the care of two very special and well-qualified individuals...Bellatrix Lestrange (from Harry Potter) and King Julien (from Madagascar). Consequently, this inn is filled with witches and wizards who like to move it move it. Wolverine shows up at the inn and takes Little Red Riding Hood into his own care.

Another reason why I didn't design promotional posters.

Nothing interesting happens for the next nine years. Little Red Riding Hood now is no longer so little, but we'll still call her little for consistency's sake.
Some crazy college guys try to start a revolt, though. Little Red Riding Hood catches a passing glance of their leader, who looks like a cross between a younger Christian Bale and the Eleventh Doctor (we'll just call him Doctor Batman). Doctor Batman also catches a passing glance of Little Red Riding Hood, and these little glances are all it takes for these two to fall too much in love with each other...typical dramatic fashion. It gets even more typical when another girl, who had known Doctor Batman for many years, admits she is in love with him and the love triangle is created (by the way, this girl is the offspring of Bellatrix and Julien, making her some sort of Magic Monkey). This doesn't last too long, though, as the Magic Monkey gets shot when defending the Bat Cave.
Meanwhile, Maximus tries to destroy the revolution by joining them under the guise of Robin Hood (from Robin Hood), but a Street Rat calls him out on it and he gets captured (thus it was discovered that, if you're joining a revolution, don't choose the last name of the crush of the revolution's leader).
Wolverine finds out about the love between Little Red Riding Hood and Doctor Batman, so he joins the revolution to observe Doctor Batman. While he's there, he decides to show Maximus some mercy by setting him free from the rebels. The rebels decide to not let this undestructible guy fight their battles and instead elect him as the official body-dragger. Wolverine quickly gets a chance to practice his skill when all the young men are killed by the French army (nobody ran from the battle...odd for the French). Well, all of them except Doctor Batman. He still had a few regenerations left, so Wolverine dragged his unconscious body into the sewers to never be found (except for King Julien, who happened upon them during their escape).
Unfortunately for Wolverine, Maximus was waiting for him at the end of the sewer, threatening to kill him. Wolverine just reminded him of how it's impossible to kill him and walked past. Maximus, now frustrated that he wasn't able to arrest Wolverine, decides to throw himself into a river. We last see him walking through a wheat field and running his fingers through the harvest.
Wolverine decides he can't stay with Little Red Riding Hood anymore, so he runs away to the church he took the silver from. Doctor Batman marries Little Red Riding Hood, but Bellatrix and King Julien decide to crash the wedding. Doctor Batman finds out from them that Wolverine saved his life, and this must mean that he must be with him at all times. He and Little Red Riding Hood find Wolverine, but Big Red Riding Hood has come back and taken Wolverine away to French Heaven.
French Heaven, by the way, is where everyone is throwing a revolution, doing what the French do best.

If you think this poster is awesome...you don't love Les Mis.

Okay, I'm done. Hope you enjoyed it. Let me say this again, just in case: By doing this, I am meaning no disgrace to Les Mis or any of its characters or fans or France or anything. It's an attempt at humor, not an insult.

Nativity

What is your purpose in displaying the nativity scene?

December’s downy dressing decks the downtown drives.
All white are now the mass of homes, the streets, the trees,
And all are spreading smiles as carols float around
Between the lights and starry skies and through the wreaths.

Yet, in the shopper’s eyes, there lacks a peaceful look
Of joy as plastic cards redeem what one will please.
They clamor for the discounts, guarding what they took
From bodies tightly mashed. To move, it means to squeeze.

But through the sea of swarming shoppers, I can spy
An item out of sight. It’s difficult to see.
A small display, set on a shelf. I wonder, “Why
Would one hide a precious scene of nativity?”

This set debuted in twelve hundred and twenty-three
To draw the world to Jesus, not the gifts and feast.
Such noble venture of Saint Francis of Assisi.
What can I say? He did his best, to say the least.

He made some errors. Wise men, wood shed, food trough too;
That’s what you get when you have never seen Israel.
But we can be more ignorant than him. It’s true
That we forget. It’s meant to make our Christmas real.

So why this scene? Tradition? Uniformity?
For Christmas decoration? The “Christian thing” to do?
Set up a symbol just for putting on a show?
Is this what man has done to God’s nativity?

It seems we have forgot the meaning of this scene:
Great God, infallible, eternal, infinite,
In fallen form of earth’s most wretched, gross being
And not because He had to. For love He chose it.

The universe’s power magnified immense,
The wisdom of uncounted scrolls that none can write,
Transcendent through all space and time in His presence,
All this—in fragile body of a babe tonight.
Christ Jesus—born to live—example to each soul.
Christ Jesus—born to teach—His wisdom meant to share.
Christ Jesus—born to hurt—our suffering to know.
Christ Jesus—born to die—we hung Him! Shameful! Bare!

But death—it was no harm; He simply came alive
And gave a new reason to walk the cursed earth—
To give us strength when, with devilish thoughts, we strive.
The universe was changed with humble, common birth.

A God-man, crucified—that’s why we have this scene:
Humanity so frail combined with deity.
It’s not a meager trinket carolers have seen;
It summons thoughts of Jesus and His ministry.

Don't Stumble

I run along the rugged road;
I pant through lips all chapped and sore;
A drop of sweat stings in my eye;
My legs can barely take much more.

Just one wrong step could throw me off
And cast me down with painful fall.
It seems so sweet to stop my run,
But quitters get no prize at all.

So when I fall, or when I trip,
I can't just sit and moan and whine!
I must get up; continue on.
I can complete this race just fine.

And so is it with life. We all
Face obstacles, temptations great.
There's something there to trip us up,
To make us fail, give up to fate.

Our struggles differ from the next,
But there's a way to fight each block!
We all can win, and fight against
This persecution round the clock!

Mine has a name. It's Jesus Christ.
I keep my eyes on Him for strength.
I learn about His ways. This way,
I know I can run all the length.